I just went back and read my very first entry on this blog. And as I was reading I thought "dang, I am good!" Why the heck don't I write like that anymore? I don't know if it's because I lack time or if I am too lazy... maybe it's the stinker kids who won't stay in bed. Or the sink full of dishes that needs to be loaded in the dishwasher. It may yet be the toys and books on the living room floor. Or the load of laundry I left in the dryer.
Right now, right this second, I am going to say screw all that stuff that needs to be done. I am going to take 15 minutes and waste it on something for myself. I'm not washing cars or edging patio sidewalks. I'm sitting and letting words flow from my fingers. I don't have a specific thought or contemplation tonight and I think that's ok. I'm going to take this time to just BE.
Xander is pretty well determined to break this up for me. Little turd.
I think I am at a point in my life where I am pretty much content. I mean, there are things I want or need materially, but when I think about things I want to do or places I want to see I really don't have any particular goals lined up. I am happy doing what I'm doing right where I am. Eventually the where will change, but I don't believe the what will be altered all that much. The reason why I have such contentment in my life can really be attributed to one thing. One person.
Matthew.
Everything he does, everything he has worked for and become, has been for us. He works so hard to make our lives better. I take that for granted far too often. I have to remind myself not to. Not everyone out there is lucky enough to have an ideal marriage. I know some people think I sound naive but they don't know Matthew. If they did they would understand why, underneath all the minor irritations, my life is pretty much awesome.
A few months ago we went to a ball and I had a long talk with a guy Matthew works with. He and his wife were having some problems and it broke my heart. They have babies and I just thought how awful for those innocent little ones to be stuck in the middle of this. When Matthew and I got back to our hotel room I wept for that family. He told me "Honey, you can't fix everyone."
He was right, of course. I know not all marriages last (my parents divorced after 25 years). I can't change anyone, I can't make them treat their spouse better, or make them work harder to have a happy home life. But what I can do is work together with my husband to make our home life as happy and healthy as we possibly can. For us and for our children. I pray that each one of them finds the same happiness in their vocation that I have. I pray that my son grows up to be as good a man as his father is, and that my daughters surpass me (because I know my flaws, but I don't know any men better than my husband). I pray that I don't fail them.
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