Monday, June 29, 2009


Quickie post this AM (usually I blog later at night, and might get in an entry later tonight but for now, in case I don't I wanted to add this).

My Ranger school connection (I was going to say "hook up" but that just sounds wrong lol) called me at 8:30 this morning. I accidentally hung up on him because I thought it was my alarm going off. Whoops. We are friends with a Captain who works over at the Ranger battalion and he called to let me know Matt passed his test. He said that "he did well" and he's in B company--so from what I understand he got in this class.

Praise God!

I wasn't expecting to hear so quickly how he did, but I am so glad that our friend passed the word along to me. I'd have been going crazy all day if he hadn't called.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Worn out.

Must... have... 15... minutes!!! *&^%)@_)$@_!

Today has been so draining. It wasn't even a difficult day, it's just... ugh. I don't know. All day I have felt on the verge of tears but I don't feel like I have a reason for them to come. Given what I'm about to detail some people might disagree, but I've felt like this off and on the past couple weeks and I think it comes more from exhaustion than anything else. It's just my brain and body's way of letting go or something. I've gotten so wound up trying to keep everything together and in order that something's gotta give.

Today I dropped Matt off at the Ranger battalion. I'm praying, and hoping, and wishing, and banking on him passing the RPFT tomorrow (Ranger physical fitness test). He took it last week with the other LTs at the LTO office (where they report and do PT, etc. between classes) and he passed everything but the run. He failed it by 12 seconds. (A lot of guys failed the test by a lot more than that, too.) Usually push ups are his weakest set, but back in April he sustained a stress fracture during Airborne schoool. We thought it was probably muscular or something so he pushed through the pain for the 3 or 4 weeks of that course and went to the doctor afterwards. They put him on a 30 day profile (no running or high impact exercises) so he wasn't able to train for Ranger school and keep his run time in it's normal range (otherwise he'd have passed it last week).

A week and a half ago he went back to the doctor and they cleared him for PT and Ranger school and he started training for the run as much as he could in that short period of time. He started with one mile and worked his way up to 5 by last Wednesday. Unfortunately those last 12 seconds put him at the bottom of the list. Sort of. Using the PT test scores and their scores from IBOLC they made an order of merit list and divided that into 5 groups. The bottom 2 groups are getting sent on to their next duty stations, the first 3 are taking the RPFT. If these guys pass they will be going to Ranger school either NOW or in July. If they don't pass they will be moving to their next duty stations in 10 days.

Matt MUST pass. I don't care if he has to wait until July. I just cannot move in 10 days. There is no way I can be ready for that. Unless God tells me otherwise, which He seems to like doing, but seriously I don't believe I can do it right now.

I'm in a weird place. I have faith in Matt, I believe he can do it. I believe he will pass. But there is also this cloud of uncertainty hanging over me because I just don't know what direction our lives are going to take over the next couple days. I hate not knowing. No matter what the answer is I can deal with it, I just need to KNOW. (See, I really am focusing on myself, I swear.)

Don't worry, I'm not suffering from PPD. I'm totally chill with my baby and girls. I'm just tired out. There has been a lot going on here in the past month. Colleen was here and she was a terrific help. Then she left. Then my brother and his family came. Then he left. Then another friend came. She left. She came back. She left. And it's been great having these people visit us, especially my brother (it had been over 2 years since I saw him between him being in Japan, Iraq, and CA, and us being in Korea and then GA)... it's just a different way of life when you have visitors versus when you're on your own time.

Maybe I'm just a little overwhelmed, I dunno. I just need some breathing room and a little certainty. I should know either late tomorrow or sometime Tuesday how everything went with Matt's PT test, but until then I am in this state of limbo that I hate. Freaking sucks.

In the meantime I'm chilling out at the computer, listening to some Jason Mraz right now... I exercised for the first time since Xander was born this evening. I only eeked out about 10 or 15 minutes but it was enough for me. My kids are in bed, finally all of them are asleep. I am blogging my 15 minutes (the first chance I've had to take it since my last blog) because if I try to sit quietly I'll probably fall asleep. lol I could totally stay up longer if I am being entertained but if I just sit there and have nothing to do but drool I'm not going to stay awake.

Yeah, I totally just wrote a public diary type of post... heh.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

time to decompress

So I have been trying to think of a creative blog for at least a week now and nothing has been coming to me. I start writing and it's been totally lame. I decided that I needed to start doing my 15 Minutes of Me Time again. I have barely done it since leaving Korea, and I know that with Xander it will be harder to pick up right now, but it will be worth it. I can devote more of that time to blogging, and the self-reflection is good for me. Heck, 15 minutes alone, preferably with some peace and quiet is good for me even if I don't blog or self-reflect. I totally get why my sister in law sends her kids up to their rooms for an hour or so of naps or quiet time (depending on how old they are) every day.

Lately I've been mad at myself (sort of) because I still have 25 lbs of baby weight that I need to lose. I just want to shed it so I can wear my normal clothes again. I have to keep reminding myself that it took me a good 4-5 months to get back into my regular jeans after having Charlotte, and I gained about the same amount with Xander. I'm not going to magically be back into my old jeans one month after his birth. My body just doesn't work that way. Gain 50 lbs and it's going to take some time to shed that. Duh. So I look in the mirror and think "Ew, I have such a flabby stomach and a fat ass," but eventually I know it'll be gone. I just have to try and remember that when I am thinking about how I look like some nasty old man with a beer gut. Ew.

Speaking of old men, earlier today I was looking at some photos of a woman I know who is married to an older man. She's 26 or 27 and the guy she's married to looks at least 10 or 12 years older, possibly more (I've never met the guy). I think he looks older but I'm trying to give the benefit of a doubt here. Personally, I think he looks like he's (at least) in his early 40s. Not in stellar shape (but then again who am I to judge?), but not an ugly guy. Anyway, point is, it makes me wonder why young women fall for older guys. I know there has to be something there, some attraction, some pull, but to me it would be way too weird. It would just make me think of my dad or my uncles. It's difficult to make the connection to "I can see why she's attracted to him" when I've got this image of my uncle Joe in my head (and he's the cooler, better looking uncle).

I have weird hang-ups, though. Beards and mustaches, for instance, creep me out. I know guys (my brother included) who look great with facial hair (and I have no problem admitting it), but I could never, ever date a guy with it. I thank Jesus that Matt is like minded on this one. He can barely go 24 hours without shaving. Friday night when he gets home he'll say he's not shaving all weekend and by Saturday night he's got out the razor.

Ya know what else I don't get? iPhones. Cell phone plans are pricey enough as it is, why would you buy a device that requires you to add an additional 30 bucks (PER PHONE, so if you have 2 phones on your plan that's 60 bucks extra) just to use it? We have a 2 phone plan, the lowest plan ATT offers, and we still average about 80 dollars per month after all the taxes and junk. Do I want to add an additional 30-60 bucks on that? Heeeeelllls no. The iPhone is just not THAT cool. Not that I wouldn't mind upgrading my 3 year old phone that's been dropped in the bathtub twice, but I can handle a modest little phone. One that won't cost me extra money every month just because I want a cool gadget.

I subject jump way too much. I could have made this into 4 blogs. haha On the upside I've had about 30 minutes of mostly uninterrupted "me" time. I did have to tell the girls to pick up some toys, and Xander is on my lap because he was getting fussy, but moments like this don't always come this easily. I have been staying up late so I can have a little bit of semi-quiet (I still have Xander with me) where there aren't as many demands on me as there are during the day. I wouldn't trade my lot in life for anything, but a girl needs a little peace and quiet every now and then.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

I am lazy.

So I got really lazy about posting these last few months. I got busy with life, growing a human being, etc. But things are getting back on track.

I just developed a nervous twitch because my friend gifted me a Jonas Brothers song on iTunes. What a nasty trick, Jim. lol

Ok, this is a lame short blog, but I'm alive and well and so is my husband and all my kids. I'll write a real one soon.

Oh, and the baby, a boy, is damn cute. :D