Sunday, June 28, 2009

Worn out.

Must... have... 15... minutes!!! *&^%)@_)$@_!

Today has been so draining. It wasn't even a difficult day, it's just... ugh. I don't know. All day I have felt on the verge of tears but I don't feel like I have a reason for them to come. Given what I'm about to detail some people might disagree, but I've felt like this off and on the past couple weeks and I think it comes more from exhaustion than anything else. It's just my brain and body's way of letting go or something. I've gotten so wound up trying to keep everything together and in order that something's gotta give.

Today I dropped Matt off at the Ranger battalion. I'm praying, and hoping, and wishing, and banking on him passing the RPFT tomorrow (Ranger physical fitness test). He took it last week with the other LTs at the LTO office (where they report and do PT, etc. between classes) and he passed everything but the run. He failed it by 12 seconds. (A lot of guys failed the test by a lot more than that, too.) Usually push ups are his weakest set, but back in April he sustained a stress fracture during Airborne schoool. We thought it was probably muscular or something so he pushed through the pain for the 3 or 4 weeks of that course and went to the doctor afterwards. They put him on a 30 day profile (no running or high impact exercises) so he wasn't able to train for Ranger school and keep his run time in it's normal range (otherwise he'd have passed it last week).

A week and a half ago he went back to the doctor and they cleared him for PT and Ranger school and he started training for the run as much as he could in that short period of time. He started with one mile and worked his way up to 5 by last Wednesday. Unfortunately those last 12 seconds put him at the bottom of the list. Sort of. Using the PT test scores and their scores from IBOLC they made an order of merit list and divided that into 5 groups. The bottom 2 groups are getting sent on to their next duty stations, the first 3 are taking the RPFT. If these guys pass they will be going to Ranger school either NOW or in July. If they don't pass they will be moving to their next duty stations in 10 days.

Matt MUST pass. I don't care if he has to wait until July. I just cannot move in 10 days. There is no way I can be ready for that. Unless God tells me otherwise, which He seems to like doing, but seriously I don't believe I can do it right now.

I'm in a weird place. I have faith in Matt, I believe he can do it. I believe he will pass. But there is also this cloud of uncertainty hanging over me because I just don't know what direction our lives are going to take over the next couple days. I hate not knowing. No matter what the answer is I can deal with it, I just need to KNOW. (See, I really am focusing on myself, I swear.)

Don't worry, I'm not suffering from PPD. I'm totally chill with my baby and girls. I'm just tired out. There has been a lot going on here in the past month. Colleen was here and she was a terrific help. Then she left. Then my brother and his family came. Then he left. Then another friend came. She left. She came back. She left. And it's been great having these people visit us, especially my brother (it had been over 2 years since I saw him between him being in Japan, Iraq, and CA, and us being in Korea and then GA)... it's just a different way of life when you have visitors versus when you're on your own time.

Maybe I'm just a little overwhelmed, I dunno. I just need some breathing room and a little certainty. I should know either late tomorrow or sometime Tuesday how everything went with Matt's PT test, but until then I am in this state of limbo that I hate. Freaking sucks.

In the meantime I'm chilling out at the computer, listening to some Jason Mraz right now... I exercised for the first time since Xander was born this evening. I only eeked out about 10 or 15 minutes but it was enough for me. My kids are in bed, finally all of them are asleep. I am blogging my 15 minutes (the first chance I've had to take it since my last blog) because if I try to sit quietly I'll probably fall asleep. lol I could totally stay up longer if I am being entertained but if I just sit there and have nothing to do but drool I'm not going to stay awake.

Yeah, I totally just wrote a public diary type of post... heh.


Rachael said...

much love for ya. don't worry, everything is gonna be alright. :)

Laura H. said...

sorry i didn't see this earlier. love you. ♥ hope it gets less stressful and a little more airy!